


"`Cause we´re scared to be lonely"

by humanityalmost



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Heartbreak, M/M, Songfic, angst so much angst, pure desperation right there, they are hurting like crazy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 14:49:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11693943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanityalmost/pseuds/humanityalmost
Summary: When they were together, skin on skin, their fingers intertwined it was as if the world just stopped for a moment. It gave them a possibility to breath, to escape the jungle for a few moments. To just be humans, be themselves, not the racing drivers or celebrities their managers and teams shaped them to be. All the sneaking around, the stolen kisses in dark hotel rooms and the lingering touches in the paddock. It was them grasping onto an easiness they feared to lose completely.





	"`Cause we´re scared to be lonely"

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lads :)  
> I´m back and alive. have some angsty brocedes because I miss them like crazy if I am being honest.  
> This is kind of a songfic inspired by Martin Garrix feat. Dua Lipa - Scared To Be Lonely  
> I have gotten major brocedes feels when I heard it for the first time and now I have finally written it.  
> The title is also from the lyrics.  
> This is unbetaed and since I am not a native speaker probably filled with mistakes, sorry in advance.  
> Have fun! <3

_It was great at the very start_  
_Hands on each other_  
_Couldn't stand to be far apart_  
_Closer the better_

 

They were ok. In fact they were better than ok, they were happy. It was always just the two of them, as long as they could both remember. It was Lewis and Nico. Nico and Lewis, from the very beginning. Looking back now it was kinda inevitable that they would end up together at some point, doesn't matter if as friends or more.  
They shared close proximity at every race, traveled together, basically living in each other's pockets two thirds of the year. And still it was never close enough for them. 

There was always this bond that seemed to draw them closer, draw them so close it would have been suffocating to some but to them it felt so right at this point. They were young and naive, barely adults but already caught up in the jungle of money, fame and racing. Maybe that was the reason why they held onto each other so desperately, looking for the smallest bit of sanity and normality in the other’s touch. Losing themselves in each other while trying not to lose themselves in the labyrinths that their lives were.

When they were together, skin on skin, their fingers intertwined it was as if the world just stopped for a moment. It gave them a possibility to breath, to escape the jungle for a few moments. To just be humans, be themselves, not the racing drivers or celebrities their managers and teams shaped them to be. All the sneaking around, the stolen kisses in dark hotel rooms and the lingering touches in the paddock. It was them grasping onto an easiness they feared to lose completely. 

They were just Nico and Lewis. Lewis and Nico, two guys trying to find themselves in each other. 

 

_Now we're picking fights_  
_And slamming doors_  
_Magnifying all our flaws_  
_And I wonder why_  
_Wonder what for_  
_Why we keep coming back for more_

 

They swore each other back then that their lifestyle wouldn't tear them apart. They were Lewis and Nico. Nico and Lewis, young and naive. It all started to go south before they even realized it. At first it was small disagreements on unimportant things like when to get up or where to meet up but all the stress and expectations coming with their profession destroyed them. 

Sweet nothings whispered into each other’s hair turned into profundities spat at each other in the paddock. The fond smile they wore while talking about the other turned into an eye-roll and a frown as soon as the other’s name was mentioned. Carefully and silently closing doors to shared hotel rooms turned into slamming doors of the room team meetings were held in.

But still they didn't manage to cut all ties with each other. That bond they once shared was weakened but still drawing them together, making it unable for them to leave the other behind. They came back to it every time. Angry kisses, leaving bruises all over their bodies, red scratches that reminded them that they were still alive, still somewhat united.

They still are Nico and Lewis. Lewis and Nico. But they aren’t a team anymore. They are enemies.

 

_Is it just our bodies?_  
_Are we both losing our minds?_  
_Is the only reason you're holding me tonight_  
_'Cause we're scared to be lonely?_  
_Do we need somebody_  
_Just to feel like we're alright?_  
_Is the only reason you're holding me tonight_  
_'Cause we're scared to be lonely?_

__

 

It was like an addiction they both couldn't escape. A drug that made them come back to each other every time they tried to end it for good. It was as if their brains were programmed on thirsting for the other. The attraction didn't seem to simmer down, if anything the need to be together, to feel the other’s skin on their own grew stronger the more their fights and lives tried to pull them apart. 

They both sometimes felt like they were drifting off into insanity. Their minds constantly reminding them of all their shared moments, of every touch of hands, of every kiss they shared, how addictive the small gasps and moans of the other were. 

It was a mixture of addiction and certainty that kept them coming back for more every time they parted ways. Them ending up in some bed around the world in a nameless hotel, in a nameless country was one of the few certainties that kept them from losing their mind in the jungle of racing. It was fear of the uncertain that always washed them back into each other’s arms. The fear of change, of realizing on what they were missing out due to their career choices. The fear of being lonely, drowning in the pool of superficial people and champagne that was constantly surrounding them. 

The fear of losing themselves, only leaving behind the shell the public eye wants to see. 

They are Lewis and Nico. Nico and Lewis, grasping onto the last straw of hope, lead by their addictions to each other’s touch.

 

 _Too much time, losing track of us_  
_Where was the real?_  
_Undefined, spiraling out of touch_  
_Forgot how it feels_

 

Their best efforts still couldn't stop them from growing even more distant, from losing themselves. Their bond always seemed to ensure they didn't lose themselves. It was the one certainty that kept them from drifting off into insanity. It was what made sure they were still themselves. The one thing that was certain in all those years that passed by in a hectic blur. They were so desperate for it to work out they didn't realize while they tried their hardest to not lose themselves in ongoing parties and meaningless victories, that the one thing that made them lose themselves was their affair. 

Neither of them could remember how love felt, it was all just desperation and need at this point. It was as if after all those years they unlearned how to love, how real joy looked in the other’s eyes. It wasn't real anymore, it was convenient. It gave them a possibility to pretend. Pretending there was a possibility to ‘save’ each other, to put the lights back into each other's eyes, to feel love again when looking at each other. To not see the competitor or the enemy when looking at the other.

They are still Nico and Lewis. Lewis and Nico. But instead of cutting all the ties they are pretending for as long as possible, afraid of what will come.

 

_Even when we know it's wrong_  
_Been somebody better for us all along_  
_Tell me, how can we keep holding on?_  
_Holding on tonight_  
_'Cause we're scared to be lonely_

 

They both knew they were hurting. Seeing each other hurt, not seeing each hurt more. They both knew it would have been better if they moved on. There were so many reasons that should keep them from holding on but never enough. The fear of abandonment, of ending up free from each other but alone was too present in their minds.  
They were hurting each other, badly, but not bad enough to leave each other. They kept holding on. They fought, they screamed and they left multiple times. 

Every time they found their way back into each other's lives, winding themselves back in almost unnoticed. There was no reasonable answer to the question why they did it. It was just a certainty that it would happen. They couldn't be apart but they couldn't be together either. It was a hellish situation meant to eventually blow up into their faces.  
They knew they were playing with fire but they still kept holding on.

 

_Scared to be lonely_

 

They are Lewis and Nico. Nico and Lewis, grasping at each other's clothes, tearing them off. Leaving bruises on each other’s smooth skin. Hands tangled into hair. It is addiction, certainty and fear. Their gasps and moans filling the room, eagerly pressing against each other, craving each other’s touch so desperately it was almost suffocating them. Faster, closer, more. They can't stop, they probably never will. It’s fucked up but sweaty and tired, curled up together, their hands tangled together they know their fear of being lonely, of losing each other and themselves overpowers all reasonable thoughts.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! <3


End file.
